Now and then in today’s interconnected world, it happens that the person you love fucks off to another country.
This leaves you in a bit of a tricky predicament. Either you continue to be together (although not technically together), or you decide to go your separate ways (although, technically, one of you has already decided to go their separate way).
For those opting for the latter, the process is a little more straightforward. Goodbyes are said, tears are shed, and you either return to that animal kingdom of a dating scene (or Tinder if you’re under 35), or you populate your house with cats and shut yourself off completely from society. For those opting for the former, the process is a little more difficult. Goodbyes are said, tears are shed, and then you start the waiting game.
To make yourself feel better you might occasionally imagine yourself some kind of Lord Bryon and profoundly state that: “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
This, however, is bullshit. Absence is more likely to shrivel the heart to a husk of its former self – leaving you feeling cold, empty, and in dire need of someone to hold you through the night and whisper in your ear that you’re not going to die alone. But absence does not kill the heart, and as another similarly irritating poet once said: “where there’s life, there’s hope.”
Coping with a loved one’s departure is never easy, but there are some things you can do to soften the blow.
Definitely don’t sleep with someone else
Golden rule this one. Having sexual intercourse with someone else is a surefire way to kill your relationship. That is assuming that you’ve agreed to be mutually exclusive. There are supposedly those couples that claim not to care about any infidelity on the other’s part. But I’ve yet to hear of a real couple for whom this is true.
Apart from a man called Davecat, who married one doll and took another as his mistress.
The absolute madman.
One problem is that being in a relationship makes you more attractive. Presumably, at a bar or a club, there’s something about that self-assured, relaxed demeanour that sets you apart from the usual wild-eyed, sexually starved predatorial type. Or it could be that most humans are terrible and instinctively target those they can scent are off the market.
One thing’s for sure: it’s certainly not the glowing skin that comes from having lots of sex. Or Sunny Delight. Or indeed both!
So what can you do? You could embrace your new-found self-imposed celibacy, dedicating your time to a pure life of self-improvement and learning, like a kind of medieval monk. Or you could let the world of pornography metaphorically suck you from the reality of your newly chaste life. The final option is that you and your partner hook up for cyber sex.
This can, of course, vary drastically from suggestive emojis and racy text messages to full-on, no-holds-barred webcam sex. Just make sure that if you’re doing the latter you have a decent webcam (or a better phone than me) and a fast Internet connection. Otherwise, your unfortunate partner’s going to be on the other end of a series of flushed, moaning pixels.
Communication is key
Communicate, but not too regularly, and certainly not about everything.
Some things in life are thin on the ground and worth sharing: accomplishments, promotions, the birth of a child (though hopefully not yours, if you’re partner’s overseas). Other things, however, are not: what you’re having for dinner, what you had for lunch, and what their particularly radical friend you’re never going to meet thinks about the encroaching power of corporations.
Not talking about or asking after these things doesn’t mean that you’re distancing yourself by not showing an interest in your better half’s life. It’s not a case of “out of sight out of mind”. It just means that as a couple you’re not becoming boring; that you’re keeping an air of mystery and enigma about the two of you – like that which existed when the relationship was new, exciting, and much, much geographically closer.
So set some rules or boundaries before you “go the distance”, so to speak. Agree on communicating twice a day, once a day or once a week or whatever. Just remember that the less frequently you do so, the more you’ll have to talk about when you both get round to it.
Use Skype — but not like a lunatic
Some will tell you that Skyping is the perfect way to ensure your long-distance relationship stands the test of time. They’ll tell you to do it often, to make it a distraction-free part of your routine. They might even suggest you try Skype sex. These people are not to be trusted.
We all know that Skype is no substitute for face-to-face contact. When you think about it though, it’s nothing like face-to-face contact at all.
A large part of being in a relationship (I assume, maybe mine’s different) is spent in each other’s company but doing different things: making tea, cooking pasta, folding underwear, the exciting stuff. But with Skype, you’re obliged to sit still in front of a computer (or wander round the room if you have a better phone than me) and look at each other. Except you’re not even looking at each other, because doing so would require that you both look fixedly into the camera.
Like absolute psychopaths.
Skype is helpful, but use it like a normal person. Have it on so you can talk to your better half but don’t just sit there looking into that black mirror of a webcam. You could even try turning the webcam off sometimes so it’s like a phone call. Like what we had back in the 90s, but free. And less likely to be hacked.
Be clear about expectations
Winging it won’t work with a long-distance relationship. It’ll leave you feeling insecure, uncertain, and above all unhappy. And while it’s not the most romantic thing in the world, at some point you’re going to have to accept that the power of love won’t get you across the finish line, and that the race your running is going to need some rules.
Either when you move apart or, preferably, before, clearly and honestly set out what you both want from the relationship. This will make managing expectations infinitely easier; something essential if you’re relationships going to survive the distance. In fact, a recent study from the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy shows that it’s not really the distance at all that puts the strain on the relationship; it’s the feeling that your expectations aren’t being reciprocated.
Making your expectations crystal clear will save you heartache in the long run.
And these expectations can relate to anything: whether it’s the short- or long-term direction the relationship’s heading, the degree to which you’re both exclusive, or negotiating a particular slot set aside for Skype dates.
But also factor in the fact that there might be disappointments along the way. If your partner’s living out in the boonies and is reliant on a horse-driven mill to power their Wifi connection, be understanding that you might not get that particular Skype date you wanted.
Try to maintain the same interests
At this point I’m starting to lose count of the number of articles I’ve read suggesting that couples doing long-distance should watch a movie together. Such is the market for it that the website Gaze has been created especially so you and your partner to stream the same movie simultaneously.
I’m not against this idea per se. But I’m also not entirely convinced that synchronizing screenings of long-distance relationship movies is the best cure for your lovesickness. Fortunately, this isn’t an option for me anyway as summers in Italy are roasting, and if I tried to use Gaze my laptop would probably overheat and explode on my crotch.
But hey, there’s no reason others can’t.
It’s undoubtedly important that you stay interested in the same things, but there are better ways to communicate this than by just streaming movie together or – as someone genuinely suggested – reading books to each other. Just talking to each other and updating each other over the things you share might be enough for some; planning your next meet-up in a place of mutual interest perfect for others.
And it’s also vital to remember that having the same interests doesn’t have to mean doing things together (not that you can anyway as they’re hundreds of miles away). In fact, one of the benefits of being in a long-distance relationship is that it frees up both of your time so you can do exactly what you want without having to compromise.
Maintaining individual – as well as shared – interests is crucial if you’re to be an independent, rather than interdependent, couple. Then again it’s not like you can be too interdependent anyway.
They are after all hundreds of miles away.
Keep busy and develop yourself
Dwelling won’t help you survive your long-distance relationship. To keep from constantly reflecting, you’re going to have to keep busy. Jobs help maintain a routine, but it’s important to stay active outside working hours too. Make nice meals for one, read books and immerse yourself in the lives of its fictional characters, take up a sport, or help out in the community.
Stay sociable. Go out with friends but also make an effort to talk to new people. And don’t just limit yourself to people of the same sex. When that person you’re getting on well with suggests exchanging details, casually accept. And then graciously accept their invitation for coffee or a drink (as almost all social encounters demand we consume some form of liquid).
Meet up with that person. Ask them about their interests. Smile, charm them; insist on footing the bill. Tell them it’s late, order a cab. Give the driver their address, foot the fare. Walk them to their door, wait for them to tell you it’s been “really nice” and watch a subtle fire burn through their eyes.
Stand there dumbstruck as the crushing realization comes upon you that you’ve strayed from the righteous path. Hurriedly excuse yourself and walk away. Then start to run. Run as fast as you can with the image of your distant lover impressing itself from your mind onto your retinas. Start to cry, cry for the fallacy of it all, and then laugh; manically at first, and then gratefully.
Safe in the knowledge that your long-distance relationship has survived.
Be aware of each other’s schedules
To clarify, this doesn’t mean that you need to be updated about the minutiae of their day-to-day life. You don’t need to know, for example, at what time of the day they plan to go to the shops to get milk, or for how long they expect to stand in line at the bank later that afternoon. As already mentioned, these details are tedious and add little to no excitement to the relationship. And it certainly doesn’t mean entering stalker mode and keeping track of each other’s social media activities.
But being in the know about your loved one’s general schedule is important, especially when you’re both living in different time zones. And it’s not just the latitude you need to be aware of, it’s also the different culture. If you’re other half is on a study abroad program, for example, be aware that they’ll be immersed in a different world, doing lots of new things with lots of new people.
In short, having a better time than you.
The main thing to inform yourself about is their general routine – what their working or study hours are, roughly what time they’re getting up, and roughly what time they’re going to bed.
And do make sure that you pay attention when they tell you about big upcoming events; nothing screams romance like calling up for Skype sex on the eve of a grandparent’s funeral.
Visit regularly, and never leave without arranging the next meeting
The day finally arrives. You, or your partner, have cleaned the apartment, coated the bed with roses (preferably shed of their thorns) and banished any pets or children you might have to a sitter.
All of the that’s built up over the past weeks, months, even years is released in a torrent of frenzied conversation. Of fine dining, wining, and simultaneous arriving. And then before you know it, you’re time has come to an end and you’re waving each other goodbye through tear-soaked eyes from the station or airport.
It’s the inescapable Groundhog Day of your love life and the path that, as difficult as it is to tread, you’ve chosen. But there are things you can do to make it easier.
When the moment comes to say adieu, why not leave each other a memento; something you can hold onto until the next time you see each other. And try and leave them something special, not an unwashed pair of socks or stack of takeaway pizza boxes (because the two of you didn’t leave the room that much). Something of sentimental value would be ideal: a perfume-soaked t-shirt, a handwritten letter; even a lock of your hair, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Another thing that helps is writing down the date of your next rendezvous and sticking it up somewhere visible. This can be anywhere from a fridge to a noticeboard, or perhaps on that photo of you two together that forms an integral part of your bedside shrine.
Set an end date
Uncertainty is the nail in the coffin for all long-distance relationships. And the condition in which uncertainty festers most is not knowing when – or indeed if – you’ll finally be reunited.
To make a long-distance relationship work you both must have an end point. And this doesn’t have to be a momentous life event, like getting a job in one of your cities or buying property together. Just knowing when you’ll next see each other is enough for the most part (although it clearly does help to have some idea of what you’re both working towards).
Setting this out isn’t impossible, and there’s some good step-by-step advice out there for how to decide an end date in a long-distance relationship. But doing so is essential; as Mark Manson eloquently puts it, a relationship that’s not growing is dying, and not having a point of convergence on the horizon will only have one result: drifting apart.
And this is the most vital thing to bear in mind:
A meaningful relationship (by which I mean one based on more than just mind-blowing, earth-shattering, existentially affirming sex) is about two people wanting to build some kind of future together.
Now if you’re living apart, and therefore without the aforementioned sex, and there’s no way your futures will intertwine, then you have to ask yourself what exactly the relationship is based on. Or to put it another way: if there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, it might be better not to go down that tunnel at all.
Keep calm, carry on, and stay positive
Above all else, your long-distance relationship is only going to remain functional and positive if you too remain functional and positive.
Moments of weakness permitting, you have to make sure that you send positive waves across those all-too-distant channels.
Pessimism and negativity will only have the effect of killing what you have stone dead – just as it would in any other type of relationship.
There are many ways to put this into practice other than psychotically grinning at each other down a webcam. Sending the occasional gift or e-card is a great way of letting your other half know you’re thinking of them. But don’t go overboard and let your insecurity drive you to sending enough flowers to reforest the Amazon.
Little and often is the trick. And just remember that you’re winning. Kind of.
True, there’s nobody around for that essential physical bond, and standing in line at your local supermarket holding a six-pack of lager doesn’t look as good on your own. But you should be thankful knowing that you at least have someone who loves you other than your parents and your dog. Albeit someone who’s living far, far away.
So there you have it: the Ten Commandments for surviving a long-distance relationship.
Everyone’s circumstances are different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. But overall it can be reduced down to several things: ignoring people who prattle on about constant communication (it’ll only aggravate the relationship and make it feel forced and superficial); using Skype properly and not like a technologically fascinated outpatient; striking a balance between shared and personal interests; planning for your immediate and long-term future; and not sleeping around willy-nilly like the Dutch.
But remember that you’re also allowed to wallow.
Your situation, as everyone around you will inevitably come to realize, is less than ideal. Just know that you’re not alone (although technically you are) and that many others have gone before you and survived. One such man is Michael Fugitive, and he captured the essence of long-distance relationships beautifully in writing:
“When you are alone – at sea, in the polar dark – an absence can keep you alive. The one you love maintains your mind. But when she’s merely across the city, it is an absence that eats you to the bone.”
